my phone needs a breathalizer
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
