i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
