if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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