Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
