In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
