please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
