If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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