I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
