Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
