Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
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I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize