You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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