I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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