Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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