i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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