Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
