I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
