if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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