You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
