Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
