i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
