His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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