Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
