It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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