so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
