3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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