On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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