I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i will never coherently bang her
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
