Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize