Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
