Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
