so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
