On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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