if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
