woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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