Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
