On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
