i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
being pregnant is like rehab
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
