My liver just broke up with me...
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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