I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
