I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
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She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
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It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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