would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
