I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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