i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
