This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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