I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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