i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize