the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
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Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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