Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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