Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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