Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
