She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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