We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
