lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
