the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
