my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just blew my weed a kiss
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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