I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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