My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
